Monday, August 23, 2004
Take this job and love it
August 23, 2004
Wayne Pilipchuck, Store Manager
Inglewood Safeway
Dear Wayne,
I would like to resign from the position of courtesy clerk effective two weeks today, that being September 6. I would also like to thank you for the opportunity to serve at this, the world’s third oldest profession. I learned many things about the grocery industry, customers, and bags.
What I did not learn at any time over the course of employment here was how to do my job properly – on that front, I remain as ignorant as that magical day when I first failed the personality component of the cashier test. First of all, of course, there was my primary responsibility, that of bagging groceries and loading them in carts. The goal, of course, is to fit all of a customer’s groceries into his/her cart. My linear mind suggested to me that the best way to do this was to make compact groceries, such as bread and grapes, as small as possible. Just last week I was advised that this is somehow undesirable.
As for the bagging, I had an unfortunate tendency to place items of one category into a bag – dairy products, for example – and leave them there with the intention of placing additional items of that category into the bag as soon as they came along the conveyer belt. Often, this meant that I would forget those items when loading the customer’s cart. My approach to this would generally be to surreptitiously place those items back on the shelf. Possibly I should have mentioned this to somebody, but the way I figured it, the customer got screwed either way, and this way at least I didn’t get in trouble.
Another component of my job was sweeping the store at designated times during my shifts, such that the store would get swept every hour that it’s open. I used to do this part of my job, until I realized how degrading and pointless it is (give that it takes about forty-five minutes to sweep the store, this policy, if followed, would mean that you would be paying $82.25 per day just to have the store swept, which doesn’t even take into account those poor unfortunate courtesy clerks who have stayed long enough to make more than seven dollars an hour). As such, I have not swept the store since mid-June. I hope this isn’t a problem.
My job, as you are probably aware, also includes wrapping floral products. To say that I am “unskilled” at this would be akin to saying that Karl Marx was “liberal” (feel free to use that). This once resulted in the following legendary exchange:
Customer (being handed flowers wrapped by Steve): Thank you, these look great.
Steve: I wouldn’t say that until after you’ve opened them.
Customer: *laughs awkwardly*
Steve: Actually, I probably wouldn’t say that after they were opened, either.
Yve: Oh, you did a great job, Steve.
Yve (through clenched teeth): Don’t scare the customers.
Ah, the customer. . . truth be told, I had a little trouble with that bit about the customer always being right. It worked okay for a while, but customers would periodically say things that were so absurd that I had no choice but to call them on it. Some examples:
- that thirty degree weather with oppressive humidity somehow constituted “nice”
- that Budapest is the capital of Prague
- that the Calgary Flames’ presence in the Stanley Cup finals could be attributable to anything but luck or a deal with Satan
In fact, my dealings with the customer eventually became so legendary that Yve took to answering questions that customers directed at me on my behalf, presumably to prevent me from saying anything untoward. Example:
Steve: How are you this afternoon, ma’am?
Customer: I’m fine, thanks, how are you?
Yve: He’s fine.
Yes, my time here was certainly something that the bards will sing of for ages to come. But regrets, I have a few. For example, there was that time that I was working on Canada Day with only one other courtesy clerk (the scheduling computer had apparently failed to distinguish between Canada Day and any other Thursday), and I decided to see if I could make it through my entire five hour shift without bagging a single grocery. Since there were so many customers in the store, and since we were so under-staffed, it looked like I was going to be able to use up my entire shift answering their questions (sample answer: “I’m sorry, we don’t carry milk”) and collecting shopping carts from the parking lot, until somebody actually called over the intercom (at about the four hour mark) “Steve and George, will you please come up front and bag groceries?” Ah, how I wish I hadn’t responded to that summons. . . but of what use are regrets, eh?
Finally, it is my unfortunate responsibility to blow the whistle on some rather primitive attitudes that exist within your store. Gerry, about a month ago, suggested that I get a haircut to avoid looking so much like a bum (I sort of expected him to follow up, à la George Thorogood, with “and get a real job”, but Gerry doesn’t seem to be a blues-rock fan). I find it terribly upsetting that, in a supposedly enlightened age, such hobophobia could continue to exist in such an established and well-respected corporation.
In conclusion, thank you again for employing me for these three months despite my obvious deficiencies in the areas of competence, diligence, and personal hygiene. If you should find yourself short of courtesy clerks, I would be willing to work a few shifts after September 6.
I remain, Sir, your obedient servant,
Steve Smith
|
August 23, 2004
Wayne Pilipchuck, Store Manager
Inglewood Safeway
Dear Wayne,
I would like to resign from the position of courtesy clerk effective two weeks today, that being September 6. I would also like to thank you for the opportunity to serve at this, the world’s third oldest profession. I learned many things about the grocery industry, customers, and bags.
What I did not learn at any time over the course of employment here was how to do my job properly – on that front, I remain as ignorant as that magical day when I first failed the personality component of the cashier test. First of all, of course, there was my primary responsibility, that of bagging groceries and loading them in carts. The goal, of course, is to fit all of a customer’s groceries into his/her cart. My linear mind suggested to me that the best way to do this was to make compact groceries, such as bread and grapes, as small as possible. Just last week I was advised that this is somehow undesirable.
As for the bagging, I had an unfortunate tendency to place items of one category into a bag – dairy products, for example – and leave them there with the intention of placing additional items of that category into the bag as soon as they came along the conveyer belt. Often, this meant that I would forget those items when loading the customer’s cart. My approach to this would generally be to surreptitiously place those items back on the shelf. Possibly I should have mentioned this to somebody, but the way I figured it, the customer got screwed either way, and this way at least I didn’t get in trouble.
Another component of my job was sweeping the store at designated times during my shifts, such that the store would get swept every hour that it’s open. I used to do this part of my job, until I realized how degrading and pointless it is (give that it takes about forty-five minutes to sweep the store, this policy, if followed, would mean that you would be paying $82.25 per day just to have the store swept, which doesn’t even take into account those poor unfortunate courtesy clerks who have stayed long enough to make more than seven dollars an hour). As such, I have not swept the store since mid-June. I hope this isn’t a problem.
My job, as you are probably aware, also includes wrapping floral products. To say that I am “unskilled” at this would be akin to saying that Karl Marx was “liberal” (feel free to use that). This once resulted in the following legendary exchange:
Customer (being handed flowers wrapped by Steve): Thank you, these look great.
Steve: I wouldn’t say that until after you’ve opened them.
Customer: *laughs awkwardly*
Steve: Actually, I probably wouldn’t say that after they were opened, either.
Yve: Oh, you did a great job, Steve.
Yve (through clenched teeth): Don’t scare the customers.
Ah, the customer. . . truth be told, I had a little trouble with that bit about the customer always being right. It worked okay for a while, but customers would periodically say things that were so absurd that I had no choice but to call them on it. Some examples:
- that thirty degree weather with oppressive humidity somehow constituted “nice”
- that Budapest is the capital of Prague
- that the Calgary Flames’ presence in the Stanley Cup finals could be attributable to anything but luck or a deal with Satan
In fact, my dealings with the customer eventually became so legendary that Yve took to answering questions that customers directed at me on my behalf, presumably to prevent me from saying anything untoward. Example:
Steve: How are you this afternoon, ma’am?
Customer: I’m fine, thanks, how are you?
Yve: He’s fine.
Yes, my time here was certainly something that the bards will sing of for ages to come. But regrets, I have a few. For example, there was that time that I was working on Canada Day with only one other courtesy clerk (the scheduling computer had apparently failed to distinguish between Canada Day and any other Thursday), and I decided to see if I could make it through my entire five hour shift without bagging a single grocery. Since there were so many customers in the store, and since we were so under-staffed, it looked like I was going to be able to use up my entire shift answering their questions (sample answer: “I’m sorry, we don’t carry milk”) and collecting shopping carts from the parking lot, until somebody actually called over the intercom (at about the four hour mark) “Steve and George, will you please come up front and bag groceries?” Ah, how I wish I hadn’t responded to that summons. . . but of what use are regrets, eh?
Finally, it is my unfortunate responsibility to blow the whistle on some rather primitive attitudes that exist within your store. Gerry, about a month ago, suggested that I get a haircut to avoid looking so much like a bum (I sort of expected him to follow up, à la George Thorogood, with “and get a real job”, but Gerry doesn’t seem to be a blues-rock fan). I find it terribly upsetting that, in a supposedly enlightened age, such hobophobia could continue to exist in such an established and well-respected corporation.
In conclusion, thank you again for employing me for these three months despite my obvious deficiencies in the areas of competence, diligence, and personal hygiene. If you should find yourself short of courtesy clerks, I would be willing to work a few shifts after September 6.
I remain, Sir, your obedient servant,
Steve Smith
