Monday, January 09, 2006
A Transcript of This Evening's Leaders' Debate
Steve Paikin: Good evening, everybody, and welcome to what promises to be the most degrading evening of my life: the 2006 English language federal leaders' debate. Without further ado, let's skip straight to the exhibits for their opening statements, beginning with Finance Minister Paul Martin.
Paul Martin: Prime Minister.
Paikin: Whatever.
Martin: I believe in the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. I believe in universal health care. I believe in the Sasquatch. In fact, my belief system exactly matches each of thirty million Canadians' belief systems, no matter how contradictory they might be. Vote Liberal.
Paikin: We now proceed to Stephen Harper, who appears to have the tail of some small reptile sticking out of his mouth.
Stephen Harper: Paul Martin doesn't believe in Ministerial responsibility, God, or Santa Claus. He fritters away millions of taxpayer dollars solely because he has a frittering fetish. It's time for a change: it's time to put an end to this thirteen year tradition of carbon-based Prime Ministers.
Harper's head pulsates briefly.
Paikin: Next up is Gilles Duceppe, who will not smile at all during this debate except when he has just completed a comment and wishes to indicate that he is incredibly uncomfortable.
Gilles Duceppe: The Liberals have insulted Quebecers by spending their tax dollars on propaganda intended to sway them to one side of the separation debate. If Quebecers are going to have their tax dollars used in such a way, it should be by the government in Québec City.
Paikin: Thank you, Mr. Duceppe. Having now dispensed with the opening statements. . .
Jack Layton: There's a third alternative in this election, Steve, standing for Canadian working families.
Paikin: Didn't you just speak?
Layton: That was Duceppe.
Paikin: I'm sorry, I must have confused the two of you, since at no point during this debate will you ever disagree with each other about anything. As I was saying, we will now get to the questions. Our first section is on accountability and ethics in government. Mr. Layton, you've demanded that Finance Minister Ralph Goodale resign on the basis of the fact that circumstantial evidence suggests that there might have been some kind of wrongdoing on the part of somebody vaguely connected with his department. My question is as follows: what the hell?
Layton: Ed Broadbent is one of our MPs. Ed Broadbent is a good man, widely trusted by Canadians. Ed Broadbent stands for Canadian working families. Are you calling Ed Broadbent a liar? Ed Broadbent doesn't like being called a liar. Ed Broadbent SMASH!
Harper: What I want to know is why Paul Martin, back when he was the CEO of a company with a fiduciary obligation to maximize shareholder profit, flew flags of convenience on his ships.
A slug crawls out of Harper's ear.
Duceppe: I want to know why Stephen Harper has never revealed who gave money to his leadership campaigns.
Harper: I totally have.
Martin: Have not.
Harper: You've seen the list, Mr. Liberian-Flag-Flyer.
Martin: I don't think competitiveness is only about attracting foreign corporations to do business in Canada, but also to get Canadian corporations to expand to other markets, especially war-ravaged western African nations with no discernible economy. That, to me, is a symbol of Canada's greatness.
Duceppe: Where's the list, Stephen?
Harper: Gilles, I released the fucking list. Years ago. I held a press conference.
Harper begins to tip over.
Paikin: That's quite enough of that. Mr. Martin, many campaigns, yours included, have made use of personal attacks this election, with one member of your team going so far as to allege that Stephen Harper killed three nuns. Are such attacks productive?
Martin: I would like to take this opportunity to completely ignore your question, and to focus instead on my favourite platitude, the importance of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. You see, the Charter is important. That's why if I get to keep being Prime Minister, I, as a staunch advocate of preserving the strong centre of the Canadian federation, will seek a constitutional amendment that will strip the federal government of a power that the provinces will retain. What do you think of that? Huh?
Harper: Hold on, it doesn't appear to be in my script.
Harper is now leaning at approximately forty-five degrees.
Layton: Personal attacks are totally unproductive. These bottom-feeders need to stop engaging in them, and Canadians, especially those in Canadian working families, need to realize that there's a third option.
Aides scramble over and jack Harper back to a ninety degree angle.
Paikin: Now we're going to move on to the second phase of the debate, which is on social issues. Mr. Harper, would you like to take the bait I offer you by asking you an incredibly tasteless question about whether the deaths of the mounties in Mayerthorpe and of that fifteen year old girl in Toronto were the personal fault of Paul Martin?
Harper: Mmm. . . bait. . .
He licks his lips with a forked tongue.
Martin: We need us some mandatory minimum sentences.
Paikin: Mr. Martin, hasn't your own justice minister argued strongly against mandatory minimum sentences in Parliament? Do you have any idea what the hell your government's policy is anymore?
Martin: Irwin's been talking to his provincial counterparts.
Paikin: and. . .?
Layton: New Democrats, as the third option for Canadian working families, realize that the causes of crime are complex, and that enduring poverty and lack of educational opportunities can cause a lot of people to slip through the cracks. That's why we support taking people who have slipped through those cracks, locking them up, and throwing away the key.
Paikin: Let me get this straight: there is no evidence that mandatory minimum sentences do anything to reduce crime, and they accomplish nothing but substituting the incredibly general judgment of Parliament for the specific understanding of trial judges. And none of you have a thing to say against this train-wreck of a crime-prevention idea?
Crickets chirp. Harper looks up hungrily.
Paikin: Time to sex this debate up a little bit. The Supreme Court recently ruled that swingers clubs ought to be legal, since outlawing them isn't justified by the harm principle. Mr. Harper, have you ever been in a threesome?
Harper: I reproduce asexually, requiring only sunlight and argon.
Layton: The way we see it, if Canadian working families want to engage in some girl-girl-guy action sometimes, that would be really hot.
Martin: In a grade five book report, Stephen Harper once said that there are other good countries in the world. He also held hands with a conservative American girl in grade eight.
Paikin: That has nothing to do with the question at hand.
Martin: I'll be honest: I wasn't listening.
Paikin: In that case, I'll ask a question that is so vague as to be meaningless, in the hopes that it will provoke a flurry of vehement but shallow accusations and proclamations: Mr. Duceppe, would you outlaw Private For-Profit Health Care?
Duceppe wakes up.
Duceppe: Provincial responsibility! Provincial responsibility! Fiscal imbalance!
Duceppe goes back to sleep, satisfied that he's provided the most relevant and coherent answer of any that will be offered tonight.
Paikin: We'll now move on the third phase of the debate, which focuses on the economy. Mr. Harper: Poverty - for or against?
Harper: Poverty is a terrible thing. That's why we're cutting the GST, to allow low income Canadians to save one point nine percent of the ten percent of their budget that they don't spend on GST-exempt essentials.
A ferret struggles to climb out of Harper's shirt collar, but is contained with difficulty.
Layton: What Mr. Harper doesn't tell you is that, at the same time he lowers the GST, he'll be undoing other tax cuts, that will more than cancel out his tax cut.
Paikin: Aren't you supposed to be a socialist?
Martin: We're cutting taxes too. In fact, we believe so strongly in protecting the role of the state that we're promising to forfeit more of the state's revenue than the Conservatives are!
Harper: That's not true. The Liberal tax cut is maybe four inches when fully erect.
Harper moistens his gill slits.
Paikin: I would now like all of you to pretend to care about agriculture for a few minutes.
Layton: In addition to Canadian working families, I also care about farmers. While campaigning, I met a farmer who showed me his balance sheet. Being a New Democrat, I couldn't read it, but that did nothing to diminish my enthusiasm for throwing large sums of money at the problem.
Paikin: Mr. Layton, if your party should hold the balance of power in the next Parliament, what concessions would you attempt to weasel out of the Prime Minister in exchange for support of a budget?
Layton: One thing that's very important is providing opportunities for children, giving them a chance to spread their wings.
Paikin: Given your reputation, especially on WitPotS, for being a little too fond of children, don't you think that "spread their wings" was an exceedingly poor choice of words?
Duceppe: I'll field that one: fiscal imbalance.
Paikin: Since Mr. Duceppe seems to have rejoined us, we'll move on to the fourth phase of the debate: national unity. Mr. Martin, please accuse Mr. Harper of being an enemy of Canada.
Martin: Mr. Harper says that if he owned a shipping company, he'd fly a Canadian flag. What he doesn't tell you is that he once compared Canada unfavourably to a European country. Europeans aren't Canadians, Mr. Harper.
Duceppe: But Quebecers are a nation. Say it, Martin!
Martin: Well, as it happens, I've acknowledged the nationhood of Acadians and Inuit, and I usually use the word "peuple" to describe Quebecois, but I certainly have no hesitation to apply the word that you're talking about in the context that you mean.
Duceppe: Say it!
Martin: Well, I think that it's obvious to all concerned that, by some definitions of certain words, certain groups of people could qualify as certain things. I've always been unequivocal on that point.
Paikin: One last question for Mr. Layton: since you'll never, ever become Prime Minister, which party would you rather see win the election of the Liberals and Conservatives.
Layton: We're running people in 308 ridings, against the Liberals and the Conservatives.
Paikin: Did you just completely fail to answer a direct question from me?
Layton: We support Canadian working families.
Paikin: We'll call that the beginning of our closing statements. Mr. Duceppe?
Duceppe: Fiscal imbalance! Nation!
Martin: Values! Charter! Medicare! I'm not a New Democrat, but I play one during election campaigns!
Harper bursts, releasing a swarm of bats.
Paikin: Thank you all for watching this evening; I'm Steve Paikin, and I wish I was dead.
|
Steve Paikin: Good evening, everybody, and welcome to what promises to be the most degrading evening of my life: the 2006 English language federal leaders' debate. Without further ado, let's skip straight to the exhibits for their opening statements, beginning with Finance Minister Paul Martin.
Paul Martin: Prime Minister.
Paikin: Whatever.
Martin: I believe in the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. I believe in universal health care. I believe in the Sasquatch. In fact, my belief system exactly matches each of thirty million Canadians' belief systems, no matter how contradictory they might be. Vote Liberal.
Paikin: We now proceed to Stephen Harper, who appears to have the tail of some small reptile sticking out of his mouth.
Stephen Harper: Paul Martin doesn't believe in Ministerial responsibility, God, or Santa Claus. He fritters away millions of taxpayer dollars solely because he has a frittering fetish. It's time for a change: it's time to put an end to this thirteen year tradition of carbon-based Prime Ministers.
Harper's head pulsates briefly.
Paikin: Next up is Gilles Duceppe, who will not smile at all during this debate except when he has just completed a comment and wishes to indicate that he is incredibly uncomfortable.
Gilles Duceppe: The Liberals have insulted Quebecers by spending their tax dollars on propaganda intended to sway them to one side of the separation debate. If Quebecers are going to have their tax dollars used in such a way, it should be by the government in Québec City.
Paikin: Thank you, Mr. Duceppe. Having now dispensed with the opening statements. . .
Jack Layton: There's a third alternative in this election, Steve, standing for Canadian working families.
Paikin: Didn't you just speak?
Layton: That was Duceppe.
Paikin: I'm sorry, I must have confused the two of you, since at no point during this debate will you ever disagree with each other about anything. As I was saying, we will now get to the questions. Our first section is on accountability and ethics in government. Mr. Layton, you've demanded that Finance Minister Ralph Goodale resign on the basis of the fact that circumstantial evidence suggests that there might have been some kind of wrongdoing on the part of somebody vaguely connected with his department. My question is as follows: what the hell?
Layton: Ed Broadbent is one of our MPs. Ed Broadbent is a good man, widely trusted by Canadians. Ed Broadbent stands for Canadian working families. Are you calling Ed Broadbent a liar? Ed Broadbent doesn't like being called a liar. Ed Broadbent SMASH!
Harper: What I want to know is why Paul Martin, back when he was the CEO of a company with a fiduciary obligation to maximize shareholder profit, flew flags of convenience on his ships.
A slug crawls out of Harper's ear.
Duceppe: I want to know why Stephen Harper has never revealed who gave money to his leadership campaigns.
Harper: I totally have.
Martin: Have not.
Harper: You've seen the list, Mr. Liberian-Flag-Flyer.
Martin: I don't think competitiveness is only about attracting foreign corporations to do business in Canada, but also to get Canadian corporations to expand to other markets, especially war-ravaged western African nations with no discernible economy. That, to me, is a symbol of Canada's greatness.
Duceppe: Where's the list, Stephen?
Harper: Gilles, I released the fucking list. Years ago. I held a press conference.
Harper begins to tip over.
Paikin: That's quite enough of that. Mr. Martin, many campaigns, yours included, have made use of personal attacks this election, with one member of your team going so far as to allege that Stephen Harper killed three nuns. Are such attacks productive?
Martin: I would like to take this opportunity to completely ignore your question, and to focus instead on my favourite platitude, the importance of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. You see, the Charter is important. That's why if I get to keep being Prime Minister, I, as a staunch advocate of preserving the strong centre of the Canadian federation, will seek a constitutional amendment that will strip the federal government of a power that the provinces will retain. What do you think of that? Huh?
Harper: Hold on, it doesn't appear to be in my script.
Harper is now leaning at approximately forty-five degrees.
Layton: Personal attacks are totally unproductive. These bottom-feeders need to stop engaging in them, and Canadians, especially those in Canadian working families, need to realize that there's a third option.
Aides scramble over and jack Harper back to a ninety degree angle.
Paikin: Now we're going to move on to the second phase of the debate, which is on social issues. Mr. Harper, would you like to take the bait I offer you by asking you an incredibly tasteless question about whether the deaths of the mounties in Mayerthorpe and of that fifteen year old girl in Toronto were the personal fault of Paul Martin?
Harper: Mmm. . . bait. . .
He licks his lips with a forked tongue.
Martin: We need us some mandatory minimum sentences.
Paikin: Mr. Martin, hasn't your own justice minister argued strongly against mandatory minimum sentences in Parliament? Do you have any idea what the hell your government's policy is anymore?
Martin: Irwin's been talking to his provincial counterparts.
Paikin: and. . .?
Layton: New Democrats, as the third option for Canadian working families, realize that the causes of crime are complex, and that enduring poverty and lack of educational opportunities can cause a lot of people to slip through the cracks. That's why we support taking people who have slipped through those cracks, locking them up, and throwing away the key.
Paikin: Let me get this straight: there is no evidence that mandatory minimum sentences do anything to reduce crime, and they accomplish nothing but substituting the incredibly general judgment of Parliament for the specific understanding of trial judges. And none of you have a thing to say against this train-wreck of a crime-prevention idea?
Crickets chirp. Harper looks up hungrily.
Paikin: Time to sex this debate up a little bit. The Supreme Court recently ruled that swingers clubs ought to be legal, since outlawing them isn't justified by the harm principle. Mr. Harper, have you ever been in a threesome?
Harper: I reproduce asexually, requiring only sunlight and argon.
Layton: The way we see it, if Canadian working families want to engage in some girl-girl-guy action sometimes, that would be really hot.
Martin: In a grade five book report, Stephen Harper once said that there are other good countries in the world. He also held hands with a conservative American girl in grade eight.
Paikin: That has nothing to do with the question at hand.
Martin: I'll be honest: I wasn't listening.
Paikin: In that case, I'll ask a question that is so vague as to be meaningless, in the hopes that it will provoke a flurry of vehement but shallow accusations and proclamations: Mr. Duceppe, would you outlaw Private For-Profit Health Care?
Duceppe wakes up.
Duceppe: Provincial responsibility! Provincial responsibility! Fiscal imbalance!
Duceppe goes back to sleep, satisfied that he's provided the most relevant and coherent answer of any that will be offered tonight.
Paikin: We'll now move on the third phase of the debate, which focuses on the economy. Mr. Harper: Poverty - for or against?
Harper: Poverty is a terrible thing. That's why we're cutting the GST, to allow low income Canadians to save one point nine percent of the ten percent of their budget that they don't spend on GST-exempt essentials.
A ferret struggles to climb out of Harper's shirt collar, but is contained with difficulty.
Layton: What Mr. Harper doesn't tell you is that, at the same time he lowers the GST, he'll be undoing other tax cuts, that will more than cancel out his tax cut.
Paikin: Aren't you supposed to be a socialist?
Martin: We're cutting taxes too. In fact, we believe so strongly in protecting the role of the state that we're promising to forfeit more of the state's revenue than the Conservatives are!
Harper: That's not true. The Liberal tax cut is maybe four inches when fully erect.
Harper moistens his gill slits.
Paikin: I would now like all of you to pretend to care about agriculture for a few minutes.
Layton: In addition to Canadian working families, I also care about farmers. While campaigning, I met a farmer who showed me his balance sheet. Being a New Democrat, I couldn't read it, but that did nothing to diminish my enthusiasm for throwing large sums of money at the problem.
Paikin: Mr. Layton, if your party should hold the balance of power in the next Parliament, what concessions would you attempt to weasel out of the Prime Minister in exchange for support of a budget?
Layton: One thing that's very important is providing opportunities for children, giving them a chance to spread their wings.
Paikin: Given your reputation, especially on WitPotS, for being a little too fond of children, don't you think that "spread their wings" was an exceedingly poor choice of words?
Duceppe: I'll field that one: fiscal imbalance.
Paikin: Since Mr. Duceppe seems to have rejoined us, we'll move on to the fourth phase of the debate: national unity. Mr. Martin, please accuse Mr. Harper of being an enemy of Canada.
Martin: Mr. Harper says that if he owned a shipping company, he'd fly a Canadian flag. What he doesn't tell you is that he once compared Canada unfavourably to a European country. Europeans aren't Canadians, Mr. Harper.
Duceppe: But Quebecers are a nation. Say it, Martin!
Martin: Well, as it happens, I've acknowledged the nationhood of Acadians and Inuit, and I usually use the word "peuple" to describe Quebecois, but I certainly have no hesitation to apply the word that you're talking about in the context that you mean.
Duceppe: Say it!
Martin: Well, I think that it's obvious to all concerned that, by some definitions of certain words, certain groups of people could qualify as certain things. I've always been unequivocal on that point.
Paikin: One last question for Mr. Layton: since you'll never, ever become Prime Minister, which party would you rather see win the election of the Liberals and Conservatives.
Layton: We're running people in 308 ridings, against the Liberals and the Conservatives.
Paikin: Did you just completely fail to answer a direct question from me?
Layton: We support Canadian working families.
Paikin: We'll call that the beginning of our closing statements. Mr. Duceppe?
Duceppe: Fiscal imbalance! Nation!
Martin: Values! Charter! Medicare! I'm not a New Democrat, but I play one during election campaigns!
Harper bursts, releasing a swarm of bats.
Paikin: Thank you all for watching this evening; I'm Steve Paikin, and I wish I was dead.
